While there are thousands of books written about how to find a man, few of them tell women what to do when they get one, so what do we do? Whatever we think we should. Taking guidance from television, other couples around us who look happy, and rarely, our parents, women can do some unusual things; things that remind us of what wives would do. And isn’t that what men want? Don’t they want us to buy their clothes, clean their apartments, and cleave to them? The answer is no.
If you are not married, it’s because you haven’t been asked, so why take it upon yourself to act like he’s asked, you said 'Yes,' there was a wedding, and now you're his wife? You may be wondering what your life should look like once you’re in a relationship. The answer: a whole lot like it looked before you were in a relationship. If you wanted to be a doctor, you should still focus on that. If girls night out is Thursday night, guess where you should be on Thursday night? With the girls!
Not only do we become too flexible, moving our schedules around at the last minute, we attempt to take care of our boyfriends like we gave birth to them (think dressing them, decorating their apartments, telling them what to do). In the beginning, they may enjoy some of these things, especially if one of the wifely duties you’re performing is that main physical one, but then, he’ll start to feel smothered, leave you, and you’ll feel like you’ve been divorced.
Dating the right person, the right way, can truly enhance not only your social life, but your intellectual and spiritual life. Things should be breezy, and not full of duties. We’ll have the rest of our lives to be married; while we’re single, why can’t we focus on picking out our own clothes (hello shopping!), decorating our own rooms or apartments (this is your bachelorette’s pad), and cleaving to the Lord? This boyfriend of yours will enjoy dating someone who won’t smother him; he should appreciate having time to hang with his boys, spend time alone, and be with God too.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Bachelorette is Back!
The Bachelorette’s Blog took a break over the summer with the Student Movement, and while on so-called vacation, my status changed from Single to In a relationship. Since I write the Bachelorette’s Blog, some people were curious, and asked me, ‘So, what will you do with the Blog.’ Of course, I planned to continue it, but this got me to wondering; are there bachelorettes out there who don’t realize that they’re bachelorettes? Since this is the inaugural issue of the paper, let’s start with some basics about bachelorettes. Pronunciation: bach-lə-ˈret, Definition: an unmarried woman. So, yes, ladies and gents, I’m still a bachelorette.
It’s good to be back, and talking about most women’s favorite subjects: men and how to date them. Christian women are put in a weird position; we are bombarded with images and messages that urge us to behave one way, yet the Bible’s still, small, voice advises us to do something totally different. Early in my Christian walk, my friends and I were left wondering how a twenty-something Christian woman is supposed to act. Through prayer, and unfortunately trial and error, I’ve found a few answers.
Last semester, the Bachelorette’s Blog tackled some juicy subjects like cyber stalking (reading up, googling and snooping to get info on men), how being single is supposed to be a seasonal position, but that we do things to prolong it, and I shared personal tools that helped me get through Singles Awareness Day, also known as Valentine’s Day. You can check out last semester’s blogs at http://bachelorettesblog.blogspot.com/
This semester, look out for Are You Thirsty, which is not about dehydration, but rather, the ridiculous things we do to get men to notice us, Why Wolves Run in Packs, a column about the perks of group dating, Never Been Kissed, which will deal with a popular anxiety: women who have never had a boyfriend, and think that they are aliens because of this fact. Next week, we’ll discuss girlfriend who acts like a wives.
If you are enlightened or outraged by anything that you read in this column, feel free to email me at etteblog@gmail.com or post a comment on the Bachelorette’s Blog facebook page http://www.facebook.com/BachelorettesBlog?ref=profile. Let start a dialog!
It’s good to be back, and talking about most women’s favorite subjects: men and how to date them. Christian women are put in a weird position; we are bombarded with images and messages that urge us to behave one way, yet the Bible’s still, small, voice advises us to do something totally different. Early in my Christian walk, my friends and I were left wondering how a twenty-something Christian woman is supposed to act. Through prayer, and unfortunately trial and error, I’ve found a few answers.
Last semester, the Bachelorette’s Blog tackled some juicy subjects like cyber stalking (reading up, googling and snooping to get info on men), how being single is supposed to be a seasonal position, but that we do things to prolong it, and I shared personal tools that helped me get through Singles Awareness Day, also known as Valentine’s Day. You can check out last semester’s blogs at http://bachelorettesblog.blogspot.com/
This semester, look out for Are You Thirsty, which is not about dehydration, but rather, the ridiculous things we do to get men to notice us, Why Wolves Run in Packs, a column about the perks of group dating, Never Been Kissed, which will deal with a popular anxiety: women who have never had a boyfriend, and think that they are aliens because of this fact. Next week, we’ll discuss girlfriend who acts like a wives.
If you are enlightened or outraged by anything that you read in this column, feel free to email me at etteblog@gmail.com or post a comment on the Bachelorette’s Blog facebook page http://www.facebook.com/BachelorettesBlog?ref=profile. Let start a dialog!
A Shepherd's Life
Last week in one of my classes, a bunch of city folks bombarded the professor with questions about the life of a shepherd. Apparently, shepherds spend weeks at a time away from their family and friends, trading them all in for nature, and a herd of sheep. This got me to wondering what I would think about if I were a shepherd. If instead of ripping and running around, not only forgetting to smell the roses, but trampling over them, I walked slowly, thought about things, and appreciated nature.
Would I think about things that have nothing to do with other people? Would I be able to hear the Holy Spirit? Would I be able to rest my mind for once? Most of us have no idea who we are as individuals, because of the family and friends that we cleave to. Our goals, and even personalities, melt into other people's goals and personalities.
What if we spent time alone and actually thought about things? Some people go to Still Waters, and others carve out time in the morning, or an afternoon in a special place. When do you ever break away from the crowd, and spend time with yourself? If you don't spend time getting to know you, how will you figure out who you are? What happens when you start dating, and you don't have a clear sense of yourself? In the Runaway Bride, Julia Robert's character changes her mind about how she likes her eggs; Her egg style changed based on how her fiancé liked his eggs. We hear her say poached, and even eggs benedict are her favorite, until she discovers that she doesn't even like eggs! If you don't figure out who you are, you'll run the risk of changing a lot more than your eggs.
While I'm sure shepherds don't walk around for weeks just to think (they do have work to do), I bet they are the most spiritually centered people on this planet. Maybe that's why God called them to lead the herd…
Would I think about things that have nothing to do with other people? Would I be able to hear the Holy Spirit? Would I be able to rest my mind for once? Most of us have no idea who we are as individuals, because of the family and friends that we cleave to. Our goals, and even personalities, melt into other people's goals and personalities.
What if we spent time alone and actually thought about things? Some people go to Still Waters, and others carve out time in the morning, or an afternoon in a special place. When do you ever break away from the crowd, and spend time with yourself? If you don't spend time getting to know you, how will you figure out who you are? What happens when you start dating, and you don't have a clear sense of yourself? In the Runaway Bride, Julia Robert's character changes her mind about how she likes her eggs; Her egg style changed based on how her fiancé liked his eggs. We hear her say poached, and even eggs benedict are her favorite, until she discovers that she doesn't even like eggs! If you don't figure out who you are, you'll run the risk of changing a lot more than your eggs.
While I'm sure shepherds don't walk around for weeks just to think (they do have work to do), I bet they are the most spiritually centered people on this planet. Maybe that's why God called them to lead the herd…
The Banana Peel
Who would grab a piece of fruit, say a banana, and peel it, toss the fruit behind them, and skip off into the sunset with the banana peel? I know, it sounds pretty crazy, but women do it all the time. Maybe you've done it before. Not literally, but when we lust after a guy, and only think about the "fun" we can have with him, what we're really saying is we don't want his fruit. We don't care that he has goals, that God has a plan for his life, that he's someone's son. What we really want is something very superficial, and something that doesn't even belong to us.
It starts with the guys on tv; we think that our celebrity obsessions are innocent because they're not real people. At an early age we learn how to reduce guys to the lowest fraction: cute smiles shoulders, arms, and calves. When we grow up, we see real life guys who are attractive, and we don't care what they want; we only care about what wewant, which is sometimes not the fruit, but just the peel.
Maybe we don't want the fruit because we don't think that we can have it. Are some of us reaching for what we think we can get? Do we only consider ourselves worthy of physical affection, and not deeper spiritual, emotional, fruitful unions because we're afraid that we're not good enough, and that we won't get it? Are we convinced that men won't turn us down if we make them an offer they can't refuse? If we tell them that we are only asking for a piece of them that won't take real commitment they can't say no? We have to stop being ridiculous, and respect ourselves and ALL men, not just our father and pastor. God created those awesome smiles and beautiful bodies, so we need to respect His works of art.
It starts with the guys on tv; we think that our celebrity obsessions are innocent because they're not real people. At an early age we learn how to reduce guys to the lowest fraction: cute smiles shoulders, arms, and calves. When we grow up, we see real life guys who are attractive, and we don't care what they want; we only care about what wewant, which is sometimes not the fruit, but just the peel.
Maybe we don't want the fruit because we don't think that we can have it. Are some of us reaching for what we think we can get? Do we only consider ourselves worthy of physical affection, and not deeper spiritual, emotional, fruitful unions because we're afraid that we're not good enough, and that we won't get it? Are we convinced that men won't turn us down if we make them an offer they can't refuse? If we tell them that we are only asking for a piece of them that won't take real commitment they can't say no? We have to stop being ridiculous, and respect ourselves and ALL men, not just our father and pastor. God created those awesome smiles and beautiful bodies, so we need to respect His works of art.
How to Handle Single's Awareness Day
Yes, it's approaching; taking baby steps, but getting closer nonetheless. Single's Awareness day is three days away. Some of you are already ringing depression's doorbell, or scrambling to find someone, dropping hints, smiling harder at the guy you've been checking out. Turn off the flirt-o-meter, and rise up from that slump. This year, how about having some fun? The first thing you need to realize is that you're not alone. Contrary to popular belief, you're not the only one without a date, and you're not the only one freaking out about not having a date. Here are my top ten things to do if you're single on Valentine's Day (this is my personal list, and it works!).
10. Start your day out with prayer. Ask God to guide you today. Ask Him to help you to remember that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
9. Don't watch romantic comedies. In fact, stay away from the tv. These movies, though marketed as comedies, can be tragedies to someone who doesn't have a man chasing after them with flowers. Leave those alone; they are for singles who enjoy pain.
8. Look your best. You'll notice that when you put on your favorite color or new outfit, you know that you look good, so you feel good. This is a great day to wear something fun and fabulous!
7. Get out of the house! Plan something, and go. This Saturday night get in a car (yours or someone else's) and check out a neighboring city like South Bend or Chicago. Make it a special evening with a big group.
6. Buy yourself a few of your favorite things. Tonight, forget your diet. Forget the fact that you wanted him to buy your flowers. Go out , and get it for yourself. Smell the roses, eat the chocolate, and enjoy!
5. Don't talk about men. Okay, don't go out with a bunch of singles, and whine about how you wished you had someone special. Don't speculate about what he's doing with some other girl. Don't . Don't . Don't. It's not about men tonight. It's ALL about you.
4. When you see couples all hugged up, don't roll your eyes, sigh heavily, or think that everyone thinks you're pathetic. That would make you pathetic and a hater.
3. Realize it's just another day. You know how you feel the day after Christmas, when all the focus turns to shopping? Or back to family, life, and tv? Well, Sunday, February 15th you'll start thinking about school projects, and regular life. So just get through this. Graduate students: if the GSA Valentine's Banquet is giving you the blues, grab a bunch of folks and go together!
2. Do this list with a group of singles: positive, upbeat, singles.
1. End your day with prayer. Thank God for such an awesome day of fellowship, and thank Him for helping you make it through another day.
10. Start your day out with prayer. Ask God to guide you today. Ask Him to help you to remember that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
9. Don't watch romantic comedies. In fact, stay away from the tv. These movies, though marketed as comedies, can be tragedies to someone who doesn't have a man chasing after them with flowers. Leave those alone; they are for singles who enjoy pain.
8. Look your best. You'll notice that when you put on your favorite color or new outfit, you know that you look good, so you feel good. This is a great day to wear something fun and fabulous!
7. Get out of the house! Plan something, and go. This Saturday night get in a car (yours or someone else's) and check out a neighboring city like South Bend or Chicago. Make it a special evening with a big group.
6. Buy yourself a few of your favorite things. Tonight, forget your diet. Forget the fact that you wanted him to buy your flowers. Go out , and get it for yourself. Smell the roses, eat the chocolate, and enjoy!
5. Don't talk about men. Okay, don't go out with a bunch of singles, and whine about how you wished you had someone special. Don't speculate about what he's doing with some other girl. Don't . Don't . Don't. It's not about men tonight. It's ALL about you.
4. When you see couples all hugged up, don't roll your eyes, sigh heavily, or think that everyone thinks you're pathetic. That would make you pathetic and a hater.
3. Realize it's just another day. You know how you feel the day after Christmas, when all the focus turns to shopping? Or back to family, life, and tv? Well, Sunday, February 15th you'll start thinking about school projects, and regular life. So just get through this. Graduate students: if the GSA Valentine's Banquet is giving you the blues, grab a bunch of folks and go together!
2. Do this list with a group of singles: positive, upbeat, singles.
1. End your day with prayer. Thank God for such an awesome day of fellowship, and thank Him for helping you make it through another day.
Single and Cyber-Stalking
These things always start out okay; you meet some guy someplace on campus, and you actually talk, but superficially. Then, later that day, or that night, when you're alone in front of your computer, or congregated with your girls, you Google him, and scout information about him on facebook (the people Wikipedia). If going through his pictures won't give you enough info, or reading his wall, you begin to ask around. The Adventist network is the size of a desert portion at a high class restaurant, so you can quickly find out details about him by talking to people who went to his academy or university. If this doesn't sound like stalking to you, then you're probably guilty.
Are you a horrible person? No. Are you being sneaky, and a little creepy? I'll take 'yes' for 500. When did we get so lazy? What if you found out someone you were just casually talking to about caf food knew what your sister looked like, could rattle off people that you're friends with, and knew about that horrible thing that you did, or said five years ago, because they've been talking to that one girl who never liked you? A little hair-raising, huh? I'd prefer a guy to ask me things instead of creeping around behind my back. Why can't we extend the same courtesy? True, they put personal information on facebook, but if you simply asked him things you wanted to know, he might actually know that you exist. I realize this is hard for some of us. You may be shy, or proud, or really bad at conversation, but I guarantee you facebook won't help you with your lack of communication skills.
Sure, you can throw a cake at him, or send him a friend request, but don't you want to be in relationship with him? I don't mean in a relationship with someone, I mean in relationship: having an actual friendship that can be a blessing to both parties involved. Actually, checking someone out online, or by asking around, is a great way to get a one-sided view of someone. Is that really your goal? Facebook has its perks; it's really great for keeping in touch with people who live far away, or just chatting it up with people you know. I doubt the creators of facebook set out to assist you with snoopong.
Are you a horrible person? No. Are you being sneaky, and a little creepy? I'll take 'yes' for 500. When did we get so lazy? What if you found out someone you were just casually talking to about caf food knew what your sister looked like, could rattle off people that you're friends with, and knew about that horrible thing that you did, or said five years ago, because they've been talking to that one girl who never liked you? A little hair-raising, huh? I'd prefer a guy to ask me things instead of creeping around behind my back. Why can't we extend the same courtesy? True, they put personal information on facebook, but if you simply asked him things you wanted to know, he might actually know that you exist. I realize this is hard for some of us. You may be shy, or proud, or really bad at conversation, but I guarantee you facebook won't help you with your lack of communication skills.
Sure, you can throw a cake at him, or send him a friend request, but don't you want to be in relationship with him? I don't mean in a relationship with someone, I mean in relationship: having an actual friendship that can be a blessing to both parties involved. Actually, checking someone out online, or by asking around, is a great way to get a one-sided view of someone. Is that really your goal? Facebook has its perks; it's really great for keeping in touch with people who live far away, or just chatting it up with people you know. I doubt the creators of facebook set out to assist you with snoopong.
Why We Shovel Snow
When it snows, small crystals pile up, and soon, no one quite remembers what’s underneath all the white stuff until one day, it warms up and rains and things start to melt. Then, those leaves that you didn’t rake are visible, and now they look even worse than they did before the snow smothered them; emotional baggage is a lot like those soggy leaves.
So why do we shovel snow? Well, it’s easier to walk and get out of the driveway when we don’t have to lethargically march through feet of snow. We can get to where we need to go quicker, and we won’t get stuck, spinning wheels that aren’t moving the car. Will you delay the progress of your next relationship because you haven’t raked the leaves nor shoveled the snow? Are there layers of issues that will eventually wreck your relationship?
Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t supposed to come along riding on a white horse, and fix us. Instead, you should get on your knees and talk to the true savior. You can even fast and ask God to show you what you could improve. Also, counselors are trained to dig up old stuff that you haven’t thought about for years, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see one. If you get to the dirt now, it won’t be exposed at some inconvenient time. When you’re a bachelorette, and there isn’t so much emotional stimuli, you can use this time to clean up. Spring is coming, and your snow will inevitably melt…
So why do we shovel snow? Well, it’s easier to walk and get out of the driveway when we don’t have to lethargically march through feet of snow. We can get to where we need to go quicker, and we won’t get stuck, spinning wheels that aren’t moving the car. Will you delay the progress of your next relationship because you haven’t raked the leaves nor shoveled the snow? Are there layers of issues that will eventually wreck your relationship?
Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t supposed to come along riding on a white horse, and fix us. Instead, you should get on your knees and talk to the true savior. You can even fast and ask God to show you what you could improve. Also, counselors are trained to dig up old stuff that you haven’t thought about for years, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see one. If you get to the dirt now, it won’t be exposed at some inconvenient time. When you’re a bachelorette, and there isn’t so much emotional stimuli, you can use this time to clean up. Spring is coming, and your snow will inevitably melt…
Feeling Foolish
On April Fool’s Day, we expect people to trick us. We look at people skeptically when they tell us things, and we watch our back for all kinds of tomfoolery. This year, however, I’m more concerned about digging deep, and figuring out how I’ve fooled myself. What are the things that we’ve lied to ourselves about? Here is a list of things we can easily fool ourselves about.
Physical health. When’s the last time you had a check up? No matter how big or small, not every health issue is like a cold, and simply needs to run its course. Do you have a health issue that needs a specialist? It might be time to get checked out; it might not go away by itself.
Emotional health: This one’s tricky, because sometimes we’ve spent years convincing ourselves that we’re okay, when we’ve not been okay for a long time. You have to really do some soul searching, because sometimes we drag things through life from childhood, fooling ourselves for years. Do you have spurts of depression? Eat to feel better? Ever have thoughts of harming yourself? Then maybe it’s time to seek some professional help. There are doctors and counselors who can get to the bottom of this.
Friends: If you hang out with a crew of people who won’t accept you for who you are, then are they really your friends? Do they celebrate your victories or hate on you? When you try to take steps closer to God, even if they aren’t ready to walk with you, are they encouraging? Don’t convince yourself that these folks are your friends if they’re not.
That Crush: Are you making something out of nothing? If he hasn’t asked you out in all this time, is it really fair to you (and your awesome self) to hold a place in your heart for him? Be honest with yourself; doesn’t he know enough about you to make a decision?
Your Relationship with God: Only you and the Lord know just how tight your relationship is. And though you may be a great praise leader on campus or even a pastor’s kid, you can stop trying to fool yourself and everyone else. Acknowledge where you are with God, and work on it. He knows that we’ll never be perfect, but He expects us to continue working with Him until He returns.
Physical health. When’s the last time you had a check up? No matter how big or small, not every health issue is like a cold, and simply needs to run its course. Do you have a health issue that needs a specialist? It might be time to get checked out; it might not go away by itself.
Emotional health: This one’s tricky, because sometimes we’ve spent years convincing ourselves that we’re okay, when we’ve not been okay for a long time. You have to really do some soul searching, because sometimes we drag things through life from childhood, fooling ourselves for years. Do you have spurts of depression? Eat to feel better? Ever have thoughts of harming yourself? Then maybe it’s time to seek some professional help. There are doctors and counselors who can get to the bottom of this.
Friends: If you hang out with a crew of people who won’t accept you for who you are, then are they really your friends? Do they celebrate your victories or hate on you? When you try to take steps closer to God, even if they aren’t ready to walk with you, are they encouraging? Don’t convince yourself that these folks are your friends if they’re not.
That Crush: Are you making something out of nothing? If he hasn’t asked you out in all this time, is it really fair to you (and your awesome self) to hold a place in your heart for him? Be honest with yourself; doesn’t he know enough about you to make a decision?
Your Relationship with God: Only you and the Lord know just how tight your relationship is. And though you may be a great praise leader on campus or even a pastor’s kid, you can stop trying to fool yourself and everyone else. Acknowledge where you are with God, and work on it. He knows that we’ll never be perfect, but He expects us to continue working with Him until He returns.
It’s Spring; Now What?
I’m convinced that Spring will forever be associated with love and romance. Think about it: colors are brighter, leaves and flowers are blooming, and everything screams stage prop for a new romantic comedy. Some of us will continue to walk through this beautiful set solo, and some of us will embark upon a new movie. So what if you’re amongst the actresses cast in said movie?
What happens after you’ve been single for what seems like forever, and then someone actually comes along? You might just freak out. You might feel like praying for the snow to come back so that you can hide beneath it, and continue to live your life without compromise. Let’s face it: we enjoy the comfort of a relationship, but for some people, emerging from beneath the snow can be hard to do.
Are you ready to date? If the answer is yes, it’s time to revisit your last relationship. I’m convinced that most of our anxiety comes from fear that we’ll feel what we felt last time, mostly the pain of the break up. But here’s some good news: this isn’t the last guy, and you get a chance to do things differently. So, look back at the behavior in your last relationship, and try not to make the same mistakes again. Much like Spring, new relationship are about new growth, so things should be different, though they won’t be perfect. You’ll even make some new mistakes.
Whether you’ve dated a bit, or never been in a relationship before, I would encourage you to move forward slowly, and listen to the Holy Spirit along the way. If something doesn’t seem right, it’s probably not.
Don’t make excuses for a bad situation simply because you’re on location, the cameras are filming, and everything looks beautiful. It’s not worth the drama if you and your spirit aren’t happy. Don’t get swept up in the romance of Spring. If you’re set to star in the romantic comedy, then get to work! If you don’t get a call back, don’t feel bad, it’s just not the right time.
What happens after you’ve been single for what seems like forever, and then someone actually comes along? You might just freak out. You might feel like praying for the snow to come back so that you can hide beneath it, and continue to live your life without compromise. Let’s face it: we enjoy the comfort of a relationship, but for some people, emerging from beneath the snow can be hard to do.
Are you ready to date? If the answer is yes, it’s time to revisit your last relationship. I’m convinced that most of our anxiety comes from fear that we’ll feel what we felt last time, mostly the pain of the break up. But here’s some good news: this isn’t the last guy, and you get a chance to do things differently. So, look back at the behavior in your last relationship, and try not to make the same mistakes again. Much like Spring, new relationship are about new growth, so things should be different, though they won’t be perfect. You’ll even make some new mistakes.
Whether you’ve dated a bit, or never been in a relationship before, I would encourage you to move forward slowly, and listen to the Holy Spirit along the way. If something doesn’t seem right, it’s probably not.
Don’t make excuses for a bad situation simply because you’re on location, the cameras are filming, and everything looks beautiful. It’s not worth the drama if you and your spirit aren’t happy. Don’t get swept up in the romance of Spring. If you’re set to star in the romantic comedy, then get to work! If you don’t get a call back, don’t feel bad, it’s just not the right time.
Look Up!
Maybe you'll disagree with me, but lots of women are single because they don't pay attention to the men around them. You’ve probably made one of those lists, detailing what your dream man should look like. It’s okay to have an idea of what you’re looking for, but for some of us, it’s bigger than an idea, it’s a blue-print. This blue-print might be standing between you, and an awesome guy.
If you’re looking for someone who meets a certain criteria, say he must be this race or this height or this age, then maybe anyone who doesn’t fit the description won’t even get eye contact from you. Eye contact is quite important, because if you won’t even look at a guy, he’ll probably be convinced that you won’t go on a date with him.
Men are terrified of rejection. It doesn’t make them weak or crazy; it’s just a man thing. So, when you don’t look at them, you’re saying, “You have a zero percent chance with me, so keep it moving!” But, if you actually looked around, and noticed who’s noticing you, two things might happen: you might see a whole new set of prospects, and more guys may come over and talk to you.
Sometimes, we’re so full of ourselves! We think that every man who wants to have a conversation with us wants to drag us off to a chapel somewhere and marry us (especially if we find out he’s a Seminarian, the poor guy has zero chance of being treated like a human being). Those men, the ones who don’t fit the descriptions on your list, they were created by God too, and God don’t create no junk.
I challenge you to meet some new guys this week. You might be surprised at how guy friends can enrich your understanding of guys in general. Most of what we want from men has nothing to do with what they look like, what country they’ve come from, or how tall they are, but those things (love, support, companionship) are internal traits that you can’t see. So put that blue-print down, and look up
If you’re looking for someone who meets a certain criteria, say he must be this race or this height or this age, then maybe anyone who doesn’t fit the description won’t even get eye contact from you. Eye contact is quite important, because if you won’t even look at a guy, he’ll probably be convinced that you won’t go on a date with him.
Men are terrified of rejection. It doesn’t make them weak or crazy; it’s just a man thing. So, when you don’t look at them, you’re saying, “You have a zero percent chance with me, so keep it moving!” But, if you actually looked around, and noticed who’s noticing you, two things might happen: you might see a whole new set of prospects, and more guys may come over and talk to you.
Sometimes, we’re so full of ourselves! We think that every man who wants to have a conversation with us wants to drag us off to a chapel somewhere and marry us (especially if we find out he’s a Seminarian, the poor guy has zero chance of being treated like a human being). Those men, the ones who don’t fit the descriptions on your list, they were created by God too, and God don’t create no junk.
I challenge you to meet some new guys this week. You might be surprised at how guy friends can enrich your understanding of guys in general. Most of what we want from men has nothing to do with what they look like, what country they’ve come from, or how tall they are, but those things (love, support, companionship) are internal traits that you can’t see. So put that blue-print down, and look up
You and the Majorette
Once upon a time I was in a band. Not a small-enough-to-practice-in-the-garage band, but a three-hundred piece high school marching band with accessories; we had a flag team and majorettes. The majorettes were up front, wore sequined leotards, box hats, and boots with tassels, but more importantly, they wore happiness. The majorettes exuded happiness in their smiling eyes, the bounce in their march, and the energy that they threw into twirling their batons. They were up front, and on display because they radiated cheer.
I was not a majorette. I was on the flag team. We marched behind the majorettes, and wore cowboy hats with a red feather, dresses that swayed when we marched, cute jackets, and knee boots. We also wore smiles, pep in our steps, and tossed our flags into the air like there was no tomorrow. Despite our obvious flyness, some of the team compared themselves to the majorettes, and complained that they outshined us. They weren't content with their positions, hated the majorettes, and thought that they weren't as attractive because our uniforms covered more skin, and we didn't have any sequins to make us twinkle.
A decade and some change later, I am still hearing women complain that their sisters, cousins, and friends look better, and get more attention from men or they don't complain, they just accept their fate as the ugly sister, cousin, or friend, and sulk in the shadows of the majorettes in their lives. How many times have we heard that men are visual beings? This means your presence may be the only thing he gets to experience. So if your energy is low, and you don't carry yourself like a beautiful, joyful, woman, don't wonder why the majorette is getting all of his attention. Where is your bubbly energy, skill, and fly uniform?
I'll keep it real: there will always be someone more attractive and talented than you, but men aren't only interested in the product of genetics. A woman who knows that she is beautiful will walk taller, smile more, and have some pep in her step. And why shouldn't you? God blessed you with some awesome things too; figure out what they are, and work 'em! Then you'll be beautiful too, and everyone will notice. And when you and the majorette are out together, he'll have a hard time trying to decide who's the flyest!
I was not a majorette. I was on the flag team. We marched behind the majorettes, and wore cowboy hats with a red feather, dresses that swayed when we marched, cute jackets, and knee boots. We also wore smiles, pep in our steps, and tossed our flags into the air like there was no tomorrow. Despite our obvious flyness, some of the team compared themselves to the majorettes, and complained that they outshined us. They weren't content with their positions, hated the majorettes, and thought that they weren't as attractive because our uniforms covered more skin, and we didn't have any sequins to make us twinkle.
A decade and some change later, I am still hearing women complain that their sisters, cousins, and friends look better, and get more attention from men or they don't complain, they just accept their fate as the ugly sister, cousin, or friend, and sulk in the shadows of the majorettes in their lives. How many times have we heard that men are visual beings? This means your presence may be the only thing he gets to experience. So if your energy is low, and you don't carry yourself like a beautiful, joyful, woman, don't wonder why the majorette is getting all of his attention. Where is your bubbly energy, skill, and fly uniform?
I'll keep it real: there will always be someone more attractive and talented than you, but men aren't only interested in the product of genetics. A woman who knows that she is beautiful will walk taller, smile more, and have some pep in her step. And why shouldn't you? God blessed you with some awesome things too; figure out what they are, and work 'em! Then you'll be beautiful too, and everyone will notice. And when you and the majorette are out together, he'll have a hard time trying to decide who's the flyest!
Single: A Seasonal Position
Much like being an elf at Macy's, "Single" is supposed to be a seasonal position. Unfortunately, too many of us find ourselves walking around in June with those funny-looking shoes on, searching for Santa's workshop. I don't believe that we are supposed to jump from one relationship to the next, our boyfriends acting as human trapezes, and so there will be times when we are single without a prospect in sight. I remember these times in my life when I've been single and miserable, hoping that I would find someone half-decent to date, and even settling for guys who were obviously broken and had little to offer. Eventually, I learned how to be single and happy. What's funny is that the minute you become comfortable with being single, someone shows up.
Recently, I thought about a few women who have been single for decades (yes, you read right, decades). I wondered what could make them fly solo for so long. Of course, they've told me, "I just haven't found the right man," but that puts all of the blame on men. I wonder though, are there things that we women need to clean up? Like old issues with ex-boyfriends a.k.a. baggage. Sometimes we don't even notice when someone is checking us out.
Should we simply pay attention? Are we looking our best? I don't know. When I think about the women in my life who have shifted all the blame on men, I wonder how much of their toxic mentality I have too. So I vow this winter to run a diagnostic on myself, and take the issues that I find to the Lord. Who else can clean up the residue of hurt, insecurity, self-loathing, and the other junk that clogs us up? If being single is supposed to be a seasonal position, what are we doing to prolong it? I guess it's time to take responsibility and get to work. Otherwise, it's going to feel like winter for a very long time. What if Spring didn't show up? Can you image winter sticking around for decades? Mercy!
It's Winter
There should be no doubt in anyone's mind about whether or not winter has arrived. When I'm outside, my face hurts. There's snow on everything, and I don't know about you, but I'm happy if the high for the day is over thirty-five. I've realized that being single is a lot like dealing with winter; they are both seasons that come with joy and pain, and I've learned to be content with them both by changing my mentality. The Bachelorette's Blog is a column about being a single woman. If you are a guy, and you were brave enough to read past the title, you might consider averting your eyes to the next column, but I urge you to be a fly on the wall.
Growing up in Chicago I lived for the day that the Channel 7 News reported that the groundhog had seen his shadow; this meant that Spring was just around the corner. Sounds pretty superstitious, but it made living through the rest of the winter bearable. Then, summer would come, and I would get irritated with how there was no breeze, it was too hot, and the bugs were out of control. It finally occurred to me that I had to learn to be content or I would be miserable my whole life.
The same holds true for being a Bachelorette; if we're not content with being single, we won't be content when we're married. It's true that being single can be rough, especially when everywhere we go we're being smacked with questions like 'Seeing anyone special?' It seems like everyone around us is walking hand in hand or engaged. We have to take our eyes off of them, and look at ourselves.
Yes, it's winter, and you live in a place where the sun rarely shines, and it snows all the time, but we must be the beautiful object inside of the snow globe. Go buy a scarf and gloves that you love to put on, and be happy. During winter, play some winter sports, grab some hot chocolate and look out the window, own this season. This is such a unique time in our lives, and unlike winter, when it's gone, it won't ever come back. Never again will you be able to focus on God and yourself uninterrupted.
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